How can we support our kids?
Sometimes it can be hard us all to identify how we feel and we often need some help with this. Some of us use health professionals, some of us opt for meditation, going to the gym, pulling out the craft box, seeing a friend or engaging in some form of ‘me time’. Over the years we have learnt multiple ways to regulate our emotions which influences our ability to cope in every aspect of our lives. This includes maintaining positive relationships, being present in life, communicating with others, dealing with stresses and even creating a positive working environment. Now think about the littlest of human, our kids, who are still exploring and regulating the world of emotions. They’re having reactions to situations, whether impulsive, conscious and learnt, dealing with the consequences of their actions, both positive and negative, communicating with others and having new experiences and interactions each and every day. These events can be overwhelming. As adults, we have created an invisible toolbox to help us deal with our experiences but our kids haven’t yet and it’s up to us to help them create theirs.
Most of us would call these kinds of experiences social and personal skill development. Some of this encompasses teamwork, cooperation, sharing and taking turns, developing empathy, being able to communicate and listen as well as reading and responding to facial expressions and body language. Teaching social skills can be a difficult, repetitive and multi-faceted approach. There is no one size fits all method, every child is different and has different needs. Some are more outwardly emotional while others are more introverted. So the way we teach them will look different and the tools they add to their toolboxes will vary. Children are aware of how we act, what we say, our tone, body language and everything in between, even if we’re not aware it. They notice the way we behave, react and interact with others whether it be our family, friends or those at the supermarket. So, our first point of call is to reflect on our own modelling. This might take some conscious effort to become aware of our own habits but it is one well worth the effort. Our kids will pick up on the socially acceptable behaviours we display and over time they will integrate them into their own interactions and toolbox.
Role modelling desirable behaviours isn’t going to create little angels straight away. We will still need to consciously and explicitly discuss and explore different topics and situations with our littlest minds. When we talk to children about an event that has triggered an undesirable response, we are investigating a situation that has happened, why events turned out the way they did, how other’s felt and why, how events could have been changed and how they felt throughout the process. We are making them aware of their surroundings and showing them that there are always different perspectives across situations. We teach them how to communicate, empathise, cooperate, share and recognise others. We also teach them to listen to themselves, to think about how their body and mind feels during different times of the day, events and emotional states. At the end of the day children don’t just know this, they have to be taught, talked to and shown how to regulate themselves and develop their own toolbox of coping skills. This is our way of making sure they can identify how they feel and build their repertoire of social and emotional coping strategies.
Below, you can find a range of ways to help build a toolbox of strategies to help yourself and your child cope with their emotions.
- Gary Chapman is the author of ‘The 5 Love Languages. The Secret to Love That Last’. It is a book for adults but its core message can give you a deeper understanding of our emotions, how they impact our relationships and how to effectively communicate with others. It takes a deep dive into how everyone feels love and connection in a different way and how we can sometimes give this in ways that are meaningful us, but can potentially can be lost on the other person as the way they receive love and connection is different to ours. It is a comprehensive look in to how we are all different when it comes to connection and relationships and how being aware of others can make all the difference. There is also a connected website that has resources and quizzes targeted specifically to children, teenagers and adults to help them explore their ‘love language’ and ways to be aware of themselves and others.
- Using picture story books and novels is another great way to help promote positive relationships, develop strategies for social and emotional awareness, reflect on situations from different perspectives and even discuss difficult topics. You can choose a specific theme or social situation and then explore it in a range of ways such as discussions, reflections or even craft activities. Some great texts are ‘Enemy Pie’ by Derek Munson, ‘The Giving Tree’ by Shel Silverstein, ‘Stick and Stone’ by Beth Ferry, ‘The Dot’ by Peter H. Reynolds, ‘The Invisible Boy’ by Trudy Ludwig or ‘Harry and Hoppy’ by Margaret Wild.
- Discussion cards can also be a helpful tool to explore different situations and ways to respond. You can jump on to Google and search for lots, you will just have to make sure that they are age appropriate. Remember, no response it too silly. With activities such as this, children sometimes lack language and can’t identify how they feel or why. Guiding and explaining to children to express themselves helps them to acknowledge how they feel and accept that it is ok to experience different emotions.
- Change up the routine. Get out, get active, go explore. Keep things interesting and don’t get stagnant. Now, easier said than done right? Try to include break times in whatever you’re doing by using resources such as the GoNoodle website, Fitness Marshall on YouTube or different ‘brain break’ activities which can be found online. Get outside and play rather than sitting on a device all day. Check out 1000 Hours Outside for some awesome ideas! Go to the parks, the beach, a lake, a museum or local event to break the habitual schedule. You might even consider looking on your local council website for ideas of community events or workshops. You can also check out social medias to find local community groups who catch up regularly and visit different local places (you never know, maybe you need to start one). This teaches our kids that time out is a positive thing and that we need to listen to what our bodies and mind are telling us.
- Some kids need to move, this helps them think and process information. Sometimes when having discussions with children sitting and listening is really, really hard. Why not try different fidget toys, wobble or balance cushions (these can be found in Kmart), using stress balls, brain teaser puzzles or even just blutac. Again, we are teaching kids to recognise themselves and find tools to manage different situations.
- Sometimes kids need tools to focus their mind away from an upsetting event. Try strategies such as deep breathing, for example, blowing out the candles or breathing in for 5, breathing out for 5. Smiling Minds has lots of different tutorials on these types of activities that you could practice in calm times and use when emotions are heightened. You could even have a box of your child’s favourite things which you give to distract them from whatever it is that is upsetting them. This might include a teddy, colouring books and pencils, cars or Lego.
- Have a look at the Zones of Regulation, you can do a quick online search. It is a research based social emotional learning model. The idea is that there are 4 ‘zones’ of emotional states and different situations can put us in different ‘zones’. On the site there are articles, interviews and resources that you can use to help you help your children become more aware of their emotions and their impacts. You could even do the training, although there is a cost involved. You might like to join forces with some parents and send a representative who could come back and gives the group a run down of the day and share the ideas, resources and skills around.
- Whether you use the Zones approach or not, it is clear when your child is heightened in some way. In these instances, why not try to create a ‘time out safe space’ where they can calm down. This might be as simple as a favourite cushion, a tee pee tent or a covered egg chair. These aren’t ‘naughty’ spots, it’s an agreed space where a child can focus on settling down their emotions to the point where they can listen and talk. Making use of eggs timer or digital stop watches can also help in these circumstances. Having a set time, where the child can watch it count back to zero can help them regulate quicker.
We need to focus on building children’s capacity to deal with situations. We have to remind them that it is normal to feel different emotions, no one is ever happy 100% of the time. But we do need to make it clear that we have a choice in how we respond in every situation. They need to be aware that their responses impact themselves and others. When a child is in an overwhelmed state, acknowledging how they feel is important because it validates their emotional response and lets them know that everyone feels these emotions too. As much as they are annoyed, upset or angry about what is going on, acknowledging their feelings makes them feel recognised and heard. We can then explain how their behaviour is impacting others around them. Be careful not to say ‘you’ but rather ‘your behaviour’ as it defines who they are from a single choice they have made. We should praise a child’s positive choices and reinforce their actions when it’s clear they’ve made an effort to improve and taken on board strategies or advice. This awareness of themselves, others and their choices helps them to add to their toolbox to know what to do, or potentially not to do in the future.
As adults, we need to make sure we reinforce appropriate coping strategies through our own actions, behaviours and responses to help our kids learn to regulate and tackle different problems. We have an invisible toolbox of strategies that we carry with us every day. We probably aren’t even aware that it’s there anymore. When we feel certain emotional responses, we take out a strategy to help us get through the situation. We never woke up one day with the toolbox in front of us, we learnt different strategies over time and added to it as we encountered new experiences. This all started from a young age when we were taught ourselves. We need to do the same for our kids and help them build their own toolbox. Every child’s toolbox will look different, what works for one child might not work for another.
Giving them the skills they need will help them to adapt and succeed in all kinds of different situations that they will encounter.
